I know I've been bad about updating...Been busy with school....saw Inglorious Basterds last weekend...quite enjoyable....any reccomendations for other movies I should see?
Watching Heroes season 3 right now with the bf....
In cape cod...just had a delicious dinner and the cutest waiter ever...tried a Mai tai..good stuff then had a few glasses of white wine....can't say i'm not feeling amazing right now.....horny though :/....went to the beach and pool today....man it's so nice to be away from everday life and just relaxing!!!! Got to enjoy since schools starting up a few days after I get back...
Been watching the first season of pushing daisies...definitely been enjoying it.
Going down to NYC tomorrow evening withthe bf to see Blue Man Group! I enjoyed the performance in Las Vegas so I decided to treat my bf to the one down in the city. Looking forward to seeing him...
Well the tickets my bf got for Dane cook are actually going to be used! My class got cancelled since not enough people signed up so wooooooo I'm seeing Dane cook live and we are in the very front!!! Sweetness.
Oh and I'm also getting ready to go to a shooting range! I've always wanted to shoot a gun and now I'll finally get to...maybe own a desert eagle one day...those are damn sexy.
Well I'm going in for an interview at Barnes and Noble thats located at the Pace Law campus which is 5 minutes from my house. I go to Pace in Pleasantville so I guess that helps my chance. Hehe but if i land this job it goes until at least the end of January! Sweet. And work hours can only go up to 8pm which is awesome and no earlier than 9am...hello heaven? =P
Got to get some xmas shopping done today and return a few things to H&M...i'm obsessed with that store. I don't know if i can go in without making a purchase! lol. well its a nice gloomy day out so perfect for being indoors and shopping!
i feel utterly disgusting when i think about it...i need 8 million showers and yet this would not rid me of the filth i feel. i want to vomit. tears are forming and yet i can not cry because its more a disgust and anger than a sadness.....i wish i could peel my skin off.
So Im all finished for the year..Last day was yesterday and I guess the fact that summer vacation has started hasnt really kicked in yet. Im seeing my ex today. tomorrow I believe im going in for an interview for the job im getting. next thursday im leaving for florida for a few days.
Im watching Pirates of the Carribean..ive seen ths movie a thousand times and i never get tired of it...speaking of movies I saw Secretary the other day and I had never seen it all the way through and I really really like it. I wanna get it on DVD. Tis a very good movie.
Ahh..fuck me..I cant seem to stop eating and fuckin up everyday...whats wrong with me? It used to be so fuckin easy and i never ate this much when i ate normally. I'm starting a fast tomorrow and i wont break it for anyone...fuck it all..im going to be bones and i wont stop until i get there.
I fucked up first night i started the fast..had a bowl of Honey Nut Chex..then decided to eat some rainbow sherbet...suagr free hot chochlate and tons of cookies...strange thing was i didnt notice a difference in my appearance the following morning..Anyways I started a fast yesterday so its my second day and I know that fasting isnt right for me becuz i dont end up losing weight after 3-4 days but i just cant bring myself to eat something..I feel if i eat something ill continue to eat and eat. Blah..i dunno. I could live off eating Salad for lunch and dinner but i cant always do that since my mom insists i need protien. Im not hungry right now anyways so why should i eat..cuz im bored? When my mom gets home I want to go food shopping so I can get stuff to make a salad like mushrooms and onion and pepper..I think ill just go back to restricitng to 600-700 per day. Im still deciding what total calorie intake should be per day...tomorrow im gonna be seeing my ex who I havent seen in over a month..i wonder if he will notice a difference..and if he'll say somethng about it...Hes super tall and super thin and he eats the worst stuff for you..he has pizza like 5 out of 7 nights and eats cheeseburgers and fries for lunch almost everyday...he always complains about how he wants to put on weight but no matter how much he eats he doesnt gain...God I'd kill for that...damn him...hes actually been my thinspiration in a way..also I keep thinking about how I want him to tell me i look sick and pale. My mom thinks im anemic cuz i dontget enough iron and i said good i want to be and she asked why and i said I love looking sickly pale...she just gave me weird look...I love after ive fasted for a day or two and then i drink tons of diuretics(diet sodas and coffee) and dont drink enough water i wake up the next morning feeling very weak and looking so freakin pale..and my face also looks thinner which ive always had a problem with..in lke 7th grade i lost weight from my body but i still had this chubby baby face and i hated it and i still think i have somewhat of a baby face and i just wish i could see all the bones in my face..argh.
OK so I am no longer on my fast...at around 3:30 I had some frozen veggies which I had about a cup of so that is 25 calories..it was a mix of brocolli, red pepper and string beans. Then just a few minutes ago I had pre-made salad Iceberg kind which is 15 calories per cup-cup and a half and id say i had about 2 cups plus an orange pepper, a few cherry tomatoes and 5 mini mushrooms. That altogether is prolly somewhere around 50 or so...but what kills it is the dressing. I told my mom to buy me the Fat Free Zesty Italian but she got the normal kind which is 80 calories for 2 tablespoons so i used that so thats what killed the healthiness. Blah then my bro didnt eat his bread with a piece of provolone so of course me eating and seeing it i grabbed it. Good thing is the bread has only 35 calories per slice so the whole sandwich is 170 calories...100 for the slice of provolone and 70 for two pieces of bread. Blah so much food and I also had about 10 Soy Crisps..they are soo good. I got them from the organic grocery store i went to today. 18 crisps=110 calories so i ate 10 which is about 60 calories...sooo addng all this fatness up.....around 380 calories for the whole day...which now doesnt seem too bad but blah stupid me i wish i hadnt had that stupid sandwich. I think I'll eat tomorrow but just have small portions cuz the fasting only seemed to work the first 2-3 days and then i didnt see much difference...damn body trying to hold on to whats left. Damn you! Hehe..hope everyone else is doing better than my fat ass.
Ok so I'm now at hour 72 of my fast and i am getting away with dinner cuz I told my dad i'd been snackin all day and that if i was hungry id make something for myself later...i just got this really bad headache..maybe from all the caffiene and an empty stomach so i just took some medicine and ill be out in an hour or so..Gnite all
4 cups of coffee, 2 waterbottles and an additional 2 cups of water. Thats what I've had today..I feel good. Right now I am at hour 69 of my fast...oh yea! Stupid dad is coming home for dinner so I may have to eat unless I can come up with an xcuse..*searches for excuse she hasnt used before* Anywhoo I've been cleaning up around the house cuz Im bored and for some reason I feel better when things are clean and neat. I am getting good at not giving in to cravings..i gave my brother some of this very yummy banana bread and when i thought about having even just a tiny bite of it i thought of being huge and disgusting and it was quite easy to walk away. I dont look as thin as I did last week when i fasted only a day and a half...could be all th fluids or maybe my body just doesnt want to lose any more weight. Since I don't have a scale I base eating on how i look in the mirror. I wish I had a scale so I could see if all this fasting actually affects my weight..blah im gonna try and get one this weekend. I hate weekends...espically since im usually home and end up pigging out although i was home all of today and didnt eat. Yea so I have tons of energy right now probably cuz of all the coffee so ill prolly reach a low in an hour or so..i really dont want to have to eat dinner...ahhhh damn food is scary.
At hour 43 of my fast and im not hungry but im upset becuz my stomach is bloated and i can feel like a freakin gas bubble in there so when i look in the mirror i look 5 lbs heavier..Argh i dont know how to get rid of this stupid bloatedness. Die body die.
Tonight at 9pm on UPN..America's Next Top Model Premieres! I am very excited becuz its a whole group of thinspiration. I havent had anything today cept a few sticks of sugarless gum, cup of tea, a diet coke and right now im at about 9 glasses(cups) of water and i plan to drink another 3 or 4 cups cuz it fills me up and i love peeing clear(im odd). I am not even hungry..i never find it hard not eating for a day and second day im usually forced to break by my parents but im already plannng excuses as to how to get out of dinner tomorrow. I dont know if im just not hungry or ive kept my mind occupied with other things at the moment so as not to think about food but i hope this feeling lasts. The past three days..mostly Sunday I ate lots and so maybe my body has all this xtra fat to feed off of now so im not super hungry. Blah..I'll shut up now. Hope all you are doing well.
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starving_bones's journal
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